Are other people like this? I’m literally writing a discussion of my analysis of my meta-analysis of my analysis of my reaction to an event.
A casual friend of mine asked me for a favor. She needed help, she needed someone she could trust to stand with her at a legal proceeding. I said yes, I’d be happy to. I made arrangements to be free, took time off from work etc. Then at 6:30 in the morning this was all supposed to happen, she texted me that she didn’t need me, she found another person to do this for her, and she would let me know how it turned out.
Well, I was very angry. I had taken time off from work, I was out revenue, this was all really inconsiderate of her, ja-da, ja-da ja-da. Behind this I’m sure was a wound to my self esteem and the human need to be needed. Being human, my immediate feeling was a desire to lash back at her, repay harm with harm and all that, but I recognized this and resolved to move on.
Still, how to react to this was at issue. I could just not react at all, be noble, play the martyr, more-in-sorrow-than-in-anger, (I’m really, really good at playing the martyr), but wait, no that won’t work. How will she learn from her mistake? I absolutely had to point out to her the mistake she made (I’m sure she thinks she did me a favor), let her know that she can’t be so careless with other people’s feelings. After all, this is why the human race is so fucked up, why people are so afraid to help each other, cause you put yourself out there for someone and they treat you like dirt, and the next time someone asks you for help you say, “I’m busy.”
At this point I realize that I’m still angry, and I’m still just trying to find a way to repay harm with more harm. The proper thing to do, of course, is to just let it go. She will learn (or not learn) her own lessons in her own time without any help from me. God, I’m being so noble that my teeth ache, when all of a sudden a new thought comes from way out of left field- isn’t this all so high school drama-ish? Maybe I need to stop acting like a 17 year old stood up by his prom date.
Well, this knocks me back off my feet. Especially when all the potential implications start filtering in. Maybe I am finally picking up on things that most people learn as adolescents. Maybe, as a shy, withdrawn, introverted, socially retarded young teen- (wait, am I allowed to say “socially retarded?” I don’t want to be offensive, but since I am talking about myself… No, no, no, I am not going down that road, that’s a debate for a whole different blog post of its own, this piece is already way too meta as it is!)
So where was I? Oh, yeah, so maybe as a shy, withdrawn, introverted, poorly socialized young teen I went through high school learning all the wrong things, silly things like math and science and history, when I was supposed to learn complex human interactions. That might explain some things about me. Maybe as a mature human I’m supposed to recognize events like this not as high trauma but as merely bumps in the road, that I’m still an emotional infant on the verge of self discovery, and I should focus on the Really Important Things – like paying this months bills and the release date of the next Star Wars movie?
Or maybe I just took a hit in a particularly vulnerable spot and need to stop thinking about it so much?
Or maybe I’m just a protein robot stuck in an algorithmic feedback loop?